Fear, My Least Favorite 4-Letter Word
Fear. It's not my favorite 4-letter word. Even though she doesn't express it, I believe that my mom is fearful sometimes. She's fearful of when her next fall will be. She's fearful of getting sicker. She's fearful of not being able to witness major life events (grandchildren, weddings, promotions, first houses, etc). The thing she's most fearful of is not remembering who she is or who her children are. She's always said you can throw whatever you want at her physically. But cognitively speaking, specifically remembering who someone is, scares the shit out of her. There's nothing scarier to her than waking up one day and not remember who she is, not knowing that I'm her daughter, or that she has a grandson.
I have to agree with her. Yes, I don't want any physical disability. But the thought of not knowing who I am or who her loved ones are, is scary. It's something I can't even comprehend.
She's had 4 major falls this year, all with injuries. I know "when am I going to fall next" is always on her mind. She went from using a cane daily and a walker occasionally to now using a walker full-time. She doesn't like to go out alone. She says she doesn't trust herself. Honestly, it's not her that I don't trust. It's everyone else that I don't trust. Every day I see someone bumping into her or not paying attention to a person with a walker or cane in public. I fear someone will knock her over when I'm not there.
She's fearful of trying a new medication to treat her MS. She's been on so many, all of which she's allergic to. She gets infections like they're going out of style. Even month she has an UTI. She has other risk factors that make her question whether or not going on a therapy is the right decision. Our doc often says that people tend to make decisions based on fears, not on facts. I like to think my mom and I do a good job of making decisions based on facts, but I also think we make a lot of decisions based on our gut, our intuition. If I got a "funny feeling" about something, there's usually a reason why I got that feeling.
No one knows what the future holds. No one knows what will happen if you choose A over B or go left instead of right. All we can do is get though the day and live the best life we can in that moment. Fear doesn't have to a dominating factor in our life. Put under the bed, up in the attic, or locked away in the closet.
So, let's put my favorite 4-letter word together with my least favorite 4-letter word and say "fuck fear"!
I have to agree with her. Yes, I don't want any physical disability. But the thought of not knowing who I am or who her loved ones are, is scary. It's something I can't even comprehend.
She's had 4 major falls this year, all with injuries. I know "when am I going to fall next" is always on her mind. She went from using a cane daily and a walker occasionally to now using a walker full-time. She doesn't like to go out alone. She says she doesn't trust herself. Honestly, it's not her that I don't trust. It's everyone else that I don't trust. Every day I see someone bumping into her or not paying attention to a person with a walker or cane in public. I fear someone will knock her over when I'm not there.
She's fearful of trying a new medication to treat her MS. She's been on so many, all of which she's allergic to. She gets infections like they're going out of style. Even month she has an UTI. She has other risk factors that make her question whether or not going on a therapy is the right decision. Our doc often says that people tend to make decisions based on fears, not on facts. I like to think my mom and I do a good job of making decisions based on facts, but I also think we make a lot of decisions based on our gut, our intuition. If I got a "funny feeling" about something, there's usually a reason why I got that feeling.
No one knows what the future holds. No one knows what will happen if you choose A over B or go left instead of right. All we can do is get though the day and live the best life we can in that moment. Fear doesn't have to a dominating factor in our life. Put under the bed, up in the attic, or locked away in the closet.
So, let's put my favorite 4-letter word together with my least favorite 4-letter word and say "fuck fear"!
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