You're A Pain In My Ass
Chronic pain is like your stupidity. We can't see, but we know it's there.
Have you ever felt like you were hit by a truck? Or hit with a sledgehammer on every part of your body? How about hit with the sledgehammer and then ran over by that truck? This is how my mom feels every day of her life. It's a constant, relentless, no give kind of pain. It's not like "oh I'm sore today". No. I bet she wishes she was just "sore". She always says that she's in so much pain that even her eyelashes hurt.
I'm a great nurse but I'm an awful patient. I'm the complete opposite when it comes to pain. I get a paper cut and I think the world is ending. Sometimes when I complain about how I'm feeling I think to myself "why are you complaining? Why did you say that?" I know this is something a lot of caregivers can relate to. We're so deep into taking care of others that we don't want to talk about what's going on with ourselves because of guilt. That guilt we all share is something I need to work at. There's no rule book saying that as a caregiver I can't experience difficulties or sickness too. But it's hard to vocalize what I'm going through knowing what my mom is going through.
Tylenol doesn't help in case you're wondering, so don't suggest taking it. I also don't want to hear about your diet that will "cure" the pain. If that works for you, by all means have at it. Spare me your aunt's cousins boyfriends coworkers mailman's remedy. I'll take my chances with Dr. Google. Thanks.
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If we had a $1 for every time we heard "you look great" or "I don't know how you do it every day", we'd be millionaires. What, is she supposed to just lay down and give up? Just lay down and wait to die? I mean sure, there's people out there who will do that. But not her. You put both feet on the ground every day and you fight. That's not to say you can't have bad days where you just want to scream from the rooftops "fuck!!!" Then you get down and start living.
I recently watched the TV interview with Alex Trebek and his wife Jean about his diagnoses of Pancreatic cancer. She was asked what's the hardest part about all this? She responded by saying seeing him in pain and not being able to help him. As a caregiver and a daughter, the hardest part about caring for my mom is seeing her in pain and not being able to do anything about it. Sure, I can give her medication, I can make her laugh, I can help take her mind off it but the pain will always be there, no matter what. I know the roles are reversed for her as well. I have my own chronic illnesses and as a mother, it's hard to watch your babies in sick and in pain. You want to take it all away and make sure they never have to experience an ounce of any of it. I may be an adult, but I'll always be her baby.
So instead of offering some miracle cure or saying every time you see someone "you look great" or "I don't know how you do it", just say I love you. That's not going to cure someone or take away their pain away but you won't be reminding them of what they already know and live with every second of the day. For a moment they can stop thinking about it. Instead of the pain they feel, they can feel loved.
Have you ever felt like you were hit by a truck? Or hit with a sledgehammer on every part of your body? How about hit with the sledgehammer and then ran over by that truck? This is how my mom feels every day of her life. It's a constant, relentless, no give kind of pain. It's not like "oh I'm sore today". No. I bet she wishes she was just "sore". She always says that she's in so much pain that even her eyelashes hurt.
I'm a great nurse but I'm an awful patient. I'm the complete opposite when it comes to pain. I get a paper cut and I think the world is ending. Sometimes when I complain about how I'm feeling I think to myself "why are you complaining? Why did you say that?" I know this is something a lot of caregivers can relate to. We're so deep into taking care of others that we don't want to talk about what's going on with ourselves because of guilt. That guilt we all share is something I need to work at. There's no rule book saying that as a caregiver I can't experience difficulties or sickness too. But it's hard to vocalize what I'm going through knowing what my mom is going through.
Tylenol doesn't help in case you're wondering, so don't suggest taking it. I also don't want to hear about your diet that will "cure" the pain. If that works for you, by all means have at it. Spare me your aunt's cousins boyfriends coworkers mailman's remedy. I'll take my chances with Dr. Google. Thanks.
.
If we had a $1 for every time we heard "you look great" or "I don't know how you do it every day", we'd be millionaires. What, is she supposed to just lay down and give up? Just lay down and wait to die? I mean sure, there's people out there who will do that. But not her. You put both feet on the ground every day and you fight. That's not to say you can't have bad days where you just want to scream from the rooftops "fuck!!!" Then you get down and start living.
I recently watched the TV interview with Alex Trebek and his wife Jean about his diagnoses of Pancreatic cancer. She was asked what's the hardest part about all this? She responded by saying seeing him in pain and not being able to help him. As a caregiver and a daughter, the hardest part about caring for my mom is seeing her in pain and not being able to do anything about it. Sure, I can give her medication, I can make her laugh, I can help take her mind off it but the pain will always be there, no matter what. I know the roles are reversed for her as well. I have my own chronic illnesses and as a mother, it's hard to watch your babies in sick and in pain. You want to take it all away and make sure they never have to experience an ounce of any of it. I may be an adult, but I'll always be her baby.
So instead of offering some miracle cure or saying every time you see someone "you look great" or "I don't know how you do it", just say I love you. That's not going to cure someone or take away their pain away but you won't be reminding them of what they already know and live with every second of the day. For a moment they can stop thinking about it. Instead of the pain they feel, they can feel loved.
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